A TriMet Commuter’s 10 Tips…
June 19, 2008
The Wheels on the Bus: A TriMet Commuter’s 10 Tips for Riding Happy. Riding TriMet is a dream. Sometimes it’s sublime and peaceful. Sometimes it’s a slow and steady nightmare. But it always ends the same – hopping off while yelling “thank you.” For newbies and out-of-towners, here are some basic tips for a mostly painless TriMet experience:
Quick quiz: Which is the correct TriMet slogan?
a) TriMet: Breathe through your mouth.
b) TriMet: We are bus. You are car. You lose.
c) TriMet: Move toward the back, please.
d) TriMet: See where it takes you.
It’s kind of an obvious choice, but if you’re a TriMet commuter, you’ll eventually come to understand a, b and c.
1. Know where you’re going ahead of time. In other words, plan your trip. Go to www.trimet.org and see for yourself. There’s a nice little window where you can enter your current location and desired destination. If you decide you’ll just see where the bus takes you, like the slogan suggests, you’ll come up against regular bussers attempting to strangle you as you flag down a driver to ask, “Is this the Number Four?”
Does it look like the Number Four? Do you see the number four anywhere on the side or front of the bus? If the answer is no, then the bus you just flagged down is not the Number Four and everyone hates you.
2. Have your pass or money ready when you get on. Oh man, I can’t stress this enough. If you’ve ever been behind someone who ambles aboard and then rifles through his backpack for correct change while you’re left standing in the rain, you’ll understand the importance of this tip. Please, for the love of my hair not turning frizzy in a downpour, if you’re not ready to get on the bus, let others go first.
3. I am really, truly interested in the state of your mom’s foot warts. I really am. But it’s the weirdest thing; other people tend to dislike it when you talk rather loudly either on the phone or to the person sitting right next to you. She’s had them frozen off three times? Wow. She can’t walk for two weeks? No way. I’m so very
intrigued by the absolute grossness of it all. But the guy next to me (what a prude) just doesn’t seem to be all that interested. We’ll talk later.
4. The MAX isn’t free. For real. It costs the same as the bus. Go ahead and test your luck on this one. Just remember that you are a cheater and a liar and you know what you did.
5. Acting exasperated, rolling your eyes and mad-dogging the bus driver will not make the bus go any faster. A heavy sigh will not magically make traffic disappear. A fidgety look around at your fellow passengers will not enable the bus to fly. Swearing under your breath will actually make you more late; it’s science.
6. Report any unusual behavior immediately. Uh, you’re on the bus. Unusual is TriMet’s middle name. TriMet Unusual McGivesaride.
7. No eye contact! This one is extremely vital for anyone who plans on riding more than a couple times a week. Once you connect even the fleetingest gaze with that lady sitting across from you, you’re
doomed. “Whatchya readin’? Whereya goin’? Crazy weather we’re havin,’” and so on until the nice little lady in the floral-print pantsuit starts to look more and more like Satan. Quick tips for avoiding unwanted conversation: Wear sunglasses, even on cloudy days, or wear headphones, even if the other end of the cord isn’t attached to anything.
8. Germaphobes beware: The bus isn’t always the most sanitary place. It’s not a port-a-potty by any means, but it’s definitely not NASA’s clean room either. Hand sanitizer is your friend.
9. Your purse/backpack/grocery bag is not a person and therefore is not entitled to sit next to you. Ways to tell if you’re sitting next to a person or inanimate object: Does it have legs and arms, a head or feet? (Person.) Is there a Jansport label sewn on it? (Not a person.) Is it talking? (Person.) Are you sure? (See No. 10.)
10. There will always be a weirdo on the bus. Always. Look around. If you don’t see a weirdo, then tag. You’re it.
Ride happy!
by Kennedy Smith
naturesonions.blogspot.com
NEW The Portland Forum is now LIVE!!
Brilliant. #7 is so critical.
[...] A TriMet Commuter’s 10 Tips.. 1. Know where you’re going ahead of time. … 5. Acting exasperated, rolling your eyes and … conversation: Wear sunglasses, even on cloudy… [...]
Loved it. Just loved it. My kind of snark, and so true.
OMG! This is way too funny in that train-wreck sort of way! You know you can’t help yourself but look, just like you can’t help yourself but be utterly drained by the Tri-Met experience. There is nothing like riding the Max at 5:30pm on a Friday, when all the Happy Hour dorks get on with their loud talking, beer breath, swaggering ways! Life just hasn’t been lived until you’re sitting in the seat and they’re standing, swaying, their lower regions in your face, precariously close to a fist (perhaps)!
The bus…yes, the bus…the morning commuters are the best, you get to know one another, notice when another is missing, etc. Then the ’stranger’ boards and it gets all quiet like someone just dared enter the commuter clatch, *gasp* oh the horrors!
You gotta love it, this is life people, and yes, these are the REAL people of the world! No more hiding behind the windows of your car thinking you’re the only one on earth. On Tri-Met, you’re just one of the many faces, blurred into the mosaic that is Portland.
#11) If you’re paying in cash (especially change) be courteous and let the monthly pass holders on first. That way they don’t knock the change out of your hands as they squeeze behind you and flash the driver their pass.
#12. Whenever possible, exit from the back door. There’s nothing more annoying that waiting as the bus roll up, doing a quick take to see if anybody’s trying to exit from the front door, then boarding just as some jacka$$ suddenly awakes from her daydream to realize this is her stop. Invariably, she jumps up to exit from the FRONT door — causing an immediate Keystone-Kops style pileup among the boarding passengers. What’s wrong with disembarking from the rear door?
How true! How true!
I learned #7 the hard way! Day in, day out you hear the same story about her, and she dumps her end of day troubles on you. I didn’t have the heart to tell the lady off. The earphones sometimes doesn’t work. She’d ask - “what’s playing?”
I live in north West England and ride the ‘Stagecoach’ buses and with the exception of rule number 4 all the other rules should apply to here as well. Regrettably the maddest, rudest and definitely weirdest people that are on the buses in England are the drivers, most of them seem genuinely upset that you had the audacity to stop the bus, pay and and then sit down wasting vital seconds from their next break at the bus station. I use Stagecoach every day and I wish their was another Bus franchise using the same route because if their were, I’d use it!!!!!
I printed this out and put it in the Center St. bullpen - the operators will get a kick out of it!
Having grown up in a big city and riding public transit, I’m always perplexed that so many people in Portland don’t get “c” . . . . And, not only don’t people move towards the back, but don’t sit in perfectly good empty seats there! And if you politely try to make your way back, they’ll look at you as if they can’t understand what you’re trying to do.
I ride the bus in Albuquerque, NM. I plan on moving to Portland and possibly riding the bus there as well and I have to say that we can probably trump you guys in weirdos on any day. Great article!
I’d an “11.”, Acknowlege your Driver, otherwise you’re just RUDE.
#7- I always told my kids to sit in a corner and mutter and rock, then no one will bother you.
#8- My four rules.”Get in, sit down, shut up, and Don’t Breath on me!
#10- if you’re on my bus, don’t worry about it, I”M the wierdest one there.